So it got me to thinking - If I was rich and famous, what would I put in my appearance rider? Here's a few thoughts.
* Instead of a personal trainer or stylist, I want someone to talk high-pitched to my little dog while they rub her butt. She likes that.
* Forget the healthy foods, I want chef that is expertly trained in Indian food as well desserts. Specifically, tiramisu and he/she must also make my grandmother's chocolate pie recipe to spec.
* Large supply of 80's B-Rate horror movies.
* Yardley Oatmeal & Almond soap stocked in the bathroom. That's my stuff right there...
* A case of Diet Coke must be available at all times. Nothing enrages me more than being out of Diet Coke. I look like Bruce banner when he gets upset. "T. Smash!!!!"
* A black light and luminol so that I can check out the cleanliness of the establishment. Dateline has me so paranoid of hotel rooms that I cringe at the thought of sitting down on a piece of furniture.
* Double-ply toilet paper. None of that cheap hotel stuff. If I'm famous, I'm gonna wipe my rear with some Charmin.
* A case of Vick's Vapo-Rub. It's my crack.
Man, this is hard. I'm having trouble coming up with crazy celebrity stuff. Let's just go for it. Lastly, I want a classical violinist to follow me around and play Ozzy Osbourne's "Road to Nowhere" before I enter a room. How's that for crazy demand!
At least we don't have to worry about any of this anytime soon unless middle-aged, moderately insane, heavy-metal listening, zombie movie obsessed moms become the new Kim Kardashian. Then I'm set. Prepare to see me on the cover of Rolling Stone.